


Resistance

by captainraz



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, Mention of Death, Pre-Canon, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 12:23:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2621525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainraz/pseuds/captainraz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kira has reservations after her first mission with the Shakaar cell. Lupaza is there to reassure her. Occupation era.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Resistance

**Author's Note:**

> I was thirteen when I joined the resistance. I'd been hanging around the Shakaar base camp for a couple of weeks, running errands, cleaning weapons, that kind of thing. Then one night they had an ambush planned and they were a man short, so I volunteered. But everyone thought I was too young, too small. Lupaza stuck up for me. She said I had the heart of a sinoraptor and they didn't have much choose. Furel made some kind of joke. I don't remember what it was, but I do remember that Lupaza hit him. She was always doing that. They loved each other in some way. But it was up to Shakaar and he stared at me for a long time before he decided I was big enough to carry a phaser rifle after all. So we set up the ambush up along a ridgeline that night and waited. It was so cold my hands were shaking. I was so afraid that one of them would look at me and think that I was nervous, that I kept biting my fingers to keep the blood flowing. We must have waited there three or four hours before the skimmer appeared and set down right where Furel said it would. And when that hatch opened and that first Cardassian stepped out, I just started firing. And I didn't stop till I'd discharged the entire power cell. When it was all over, I was so relieved that I didn't let anyone down that I was almost giddy. Furel kept telling me to stop grinning, that it made me look younger, but I couldn't help it. I was one of them. I was in the Resistance. Lupaza made me this (her earring) out of some of the metal from that skimmer.
> 
> \- Kira Nerys, The Darkness and the Light

Kira could feel the adrenaline wearing off almost as soon as they got back to camp. It did nothing to quell the ridiculous grin she was sporting though. She was still so excited, so pleased she hadn't let anyone down. It didn't matter how many times Furel told her it made her look even more like a kid, Nerys couldn't help it. She was one of them! A member of the resistance. Doing her part to tell the spoonheads where to stick it. It was all she’d ever wanted for as long as she could remember.

 

The Shakaar were throwing quite the party, as much as they could out in the hills. They were celebrating not only a successful raid but also their newest member. They'd broken out some of the rot gut they used for cleaning wounds and degreasing the generators, and for the first time in her life Nerys was allowed to partake. She was an adult now in the eyes of the cell. It tasted foul and she could feel it stripping the lining of her throat, but she drank it anyway. It was a special occasion, and special occasions called for alcohol.

 

Kira’s cellmates all kept crowding round to congratulate her and slap her on the shoulder. She felt giddy with excitement and could feel the rot gut crawling through her veins, exacerbating the feeling. This was a night she would remember for a long, long time. It was all she could do to keep from whooping with delight. Eventually the combined weight of the alcohol and exhaustion pulled Nerys back down to Bajor, and she moved to a quieter area of the camp to catch her breath.

 

Lorit and Shakaar were stood a few paces away from her, all seriousness despite the jubilant atmosphere. Their heads were bowed together as they discussed the evening’s raid. They expected that destroying that skimmer would keep the Cardassians out of their hair for a good few weeks. Kira closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall of the cave, letting their voices just wash over her. She could feel the warmth of the alcohol deep in her stomach and she felt very content. It wasn’t until Lorit began to talk about estimated casualties that something clicked into place in Kira’s brain.

 

It hadn’t really occurred to her until then that she had just taken a life. She, Kira Nerys, a scrawny little thing and all of thirteen years old, was a killer. All she’d wanted for as long as she could remember was to join the resistance and make the Cardassians pay for what they were doing to her planet. The lives she had ended that night had been Cardassian lives; lives that didn’t deserve to continue. But in that moment it didn’t matter to her that they were just filthy spoonheads who had no business being on Bajor on the first place. She’d killed them, their blood was on her hands and she didn't know how to deal with that.

 

The next thing Kira knew she was on her hands and knees retching. The engine degreaser tasted even worse on its way back up. She’d barely finished coughing up her stomach contents when Lupaza was there, rubbing her back and making soothing noises. Furel stood off to one side chuckling wryly.

 

“Too much to drink, eh, little one?” he asked teasingly.

 

Kira shook her head furiously. “No. Not the drink. I just realised... Tonight, on the raid... I’ve never killed anyone before.”

 

Furel chuckled. “Cheer up, little one. The Prophets know as well as I do, you haven't killed anyone yet.”

 

The idea that her presence on the raid earlier that evening had made no difference whatsoever stabbed at Kira's heart. It was the only thing more abhorrent to her than the taking of a life right now. Her face went slack with worry and tears filled her eyes. Lupaza glared at Furel and punched his shoulder, telling him not to say anything if he couldn't say anything useful. Kira retched again, sending him scurrying back to what was left of the party. Lupaza scooped Kira up and took her off to a quieter cave to clean her up.

 

By this time Kira's tears had become full blown sobs. Lupaza cuddled Kira to her, wiped her down with a damp cloth and simply waited for the crying to stop.

 

"I'm so sorry Lu," sobbed Kira.

 

"What for, little one?"

 

"You vouched for me and I- I- I wasn't ready. I let you down and I can't handle it and I..." She trailed off into an incoherent wail.

 

"Oh my little sinoraptor, I wasn't wrong. You did good 'Rys. And even if you didn't hit any of the spoonheads you laid down cover fire for the rest of us to get them. That's just as important, you hear me?"

 

Nerys nodded and buried her head in her friend's shoulder. The signature Kira stubbornness had kicked in now she had been reassured she wasn't a failure in the eyes of the cell, and she fought to get control of her tears. Pretty soon all that was left were miserable little hiccups.

 

"I puked after my first raid you know," said Lupaza conversationally, as she stroked circles on Kira's back

 

"Really?" asked Kira, her voice hoarse from both crying and being sick. "I don't know if I believe that. You're the bravest person I know Lu."

 

"Its true. I wasn't much older than you are now. We'd gone to blow up a supply station and it didn't go up properly, it just burned. There was almost an entire garrison trapped inside and I tell you, that's a smell that stays with you."

 

The mental image caused Kira to retch and with the fresh resurgence of stomach contents came more tears.

 

"Sorry about that, 'Rys," said Lupaza gently, stroking her back.

 

"I didn't even think about it at first but now I can't get the image of their bodies out of my head," Kira said hoarsely. "And I know I shouldn't care because they're only Cardassians, but I do. They had families and friends and lives and I helped to end that. Can the Prophets ever forgive me?”

 

“I can’t speak for the Prophets ‘Rys, I’m no Vedek. But the fact they’re Cardassians shouldn’t change how you feel about killing. In fact, if you didn’t care about ending their lives just because they’re Spoonies I’d actually think less of you.”

 

They were quiet for a while, Kira slowly digesting what Lupaza had said. Furel came back in with a cup of water, which Nerys accepted gratefully before he beat a tactful retreat. She carefully sipped the water, thinking.

 

“Does it ever get any easier, Lu? Killing I mean?”

 

For all that Kira was now an adult in the eyes of the Shakaar, she sounded very small and childlike as she asked that question. It was sometimes hard to remember she was just a kid really; the Occupation forced them all to grow up too fast.

 

“It does get easier,” said Lupaza carefully. “But that doesn’t mean I stopped caring about the number of lives I’ve ended. There’s a certain numbness that you start to feel once you’ve lost count of the killing, but it still bothers you. At least it does me. You learn to find strength in the small things. You do what you have to do to get through it, because at the end of the day none of them belong here, and as hard as it is sometimes what we are doing is right.”

 

“I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this,” said Kira quietly.

 

Lupaza pulled her close and held her tight. “You are strong enough ‘Rys. Oh my little sinoraptor if there is anyone strong enough to do this it is you. It won’t be easy, but you’ll survive, you’ll cope. You’re a survivor, and you will be strong enough, I promise. Even if you don't feel it now, you will find your strength."

 

Kira nodded and wiped at her eyes, smearing dirt and grime into her pale skin. She sipped at her water and hiccuped quietly.

 

"Why did you join the resistance?" asked Lupaza softly.

 

"To free Bajor from the Cardassians." The reply was fast, knee jerk and underlying it was a hint of Kira's fierce temper.

 

Lupaza chuckled. "That's propaganda and you know it, little one. It's the noble answer and not remotely the whole truth. You don't sign up for this sort of thing at the age of twelve to fight for noble ideals. Why did you really join?"

 

Nerys was quiet for a moment, thinking.

 

"I grew up in the Singha refugee camp. We had it better than a lot of other places; food and medicine and access to wash rooms. But even so, we shouldn't have been there. We should have been living in our own villages, not herded into pens like cattle for the Spoonheads to do with as they please. For as long as I can remember I've watched Cardassians beat and rape and kill our people. And for as long as I can remember I've been angry about it. There's a pain in my chest where my anger is, and the Cardassians put it there. All I want to do is lash out; make them hurt the way they've hurt us. I want to make them pay."

 

"Now that was an honest answer little one," said Lupaza with quiet pride. "You've got to hold onto that anger and let it be your strength. You can never let anyone take it away from you. Keep that fire burning hot, and turn that anger you feel into a shield so no one can hurt you. Hone it like a blade and make it your weapon. If you do that then no matter the horrors you witness or the terrible things you do, you will survive. And you may yet see a free Bajor."

 

Kira nodded solemnly, not quite yet understanding the full meaning of Lupaza's words, but she would. She would come to rely on her anger, as some of them relied on drink or drugs or the simple pleasures of another's body. They all found ways to cope, or they perished.

 

Lupaza gently touched Kira's unadorned ear lobe. "You've not yet gotten your earring little one."

 

Kira shook her head. "Father wanted me to wait until I was fourteen, ‘til my Ih'tanu before I got one. Like in the old days."

 

"Well, after today I think you're adult enough to wear one. I salvaged some of the metal from the skimmer we downed, I'll carve you an earring out of some of it. That way you’ll always have a reminder of the day you officially joined the resistance."

 

“Wasn't likely to forget anyway,” said Kira quietly. She was grumbling a little, but the set of her shoulders was already more confident. Lupaza’s promised gift had had its intended effect.

 

“Come on ‘Rys, lets get back to your party.”

 

Lu pulled Kira to her feet and arm in arm they returned to the main part of the camp. Kira knew it would be obvious she’d been crying–there were dirt streaks and tear tracks down her face–but she didn’t care. She set her jaw defiantly and squared her shoulders, challenging anyone to say anything. No one did, except to offer more congratulations.

 

Furel came up to her to apologise for being insensitive earlier. He’d gotten chewed out by Lorit, who’d seen Kira throw up. They’d all had some sort of reaction to their first mission, most of them bad, and some of them had been a lot older than Kira was. He apologised for being an ass, and of course she forgave him. Lupaza noted the exchange with approval.

 

It wasn’t long after that that Shakaar shouted at them all to get some sleep so they reluctantly bedded down for the night. It took a while for the camp to go quiet; the entire cell was still giddy with excitement over their successful mission. Kira curled up on her bedroll, safe and warm between Mobara and Lorit, and listened to the sounds of the cell settling down.

 

_Her_ cell.

 

She was one of them. It was all she’d ever wanted and even her reservations about killing couldn't take away the warm feeling that gave her in her stomach. She fell asleep, warm and safe and surrounded by her comrades, her brothers and sisters in arms.


End file.
